Vancouver Clarion (www.vancouverclarion.ca)
by staff reporter Fartu Sharpe, Tuesday, January 11, 2011
In a stunning announcement in Ottawa today, the Supreme Court of Canada issued its ruling in the long-running legal controversy over the criminalization of knives. Several Canadian provinces have had prohibitions against knives dating back two centuries (since thousands of innocent Canadian settlers were massacred by knife-wielding savages). These laws have generally been seldom enforced, thus allowing millions to prepare meals and perform important medical procedures.
In its 4-to-3 decision the Court upheld British Columbia's ban on knives and ordered all Canadian subjects to bring all of their knives to local government collection centers within 10 days, or face a $10,000.00 penalty and a five-year prison term.
Chief Justice Hadabad Papercut, writing for the majority, reasoned,
" . . . if it can be shown [and it has been amply demonstrated] that knives are sharp and can kill people, then it is the opinion of this Court that they represent too great a danger to life as we know it. Thousands of innocent Canadians have died or been permanently disfigured by knives. Knives are inherently evil. Knives have almost assumed a life of their own. It is not beyond the realm of logic to conclude that some knives lie awake at night plotting to maim or kill their next victim. We celebrate this opportunity to bring justice to our great land and we now encourage the RCMP to arrest knives and anyone possessing them whenever they are discovered."
In a vehement reaction to the ruling, lawyers for the Canadian Civil Liberties Union protested that knives are no more guilty of harming people than automobiles. Speaking on behalf or the CCLU, chief litigator, Eli O'Reilly, complained,
"How are people going to be able to cook? How will people be able to cut their food? It seems to me that the size of government will have to grow exponentially just to provide sufficient police officers to watch every Canadian. Surely it is not realistic to hunt down every knife in the country? I can see the provinces stationing a Mountie in every home just to watch people to see if they own or use a knife. It is PEOPLE who do bad things - NOT inanimate objects like knives and broccoli. Where will it stop? Pretty soon, they will outlaw automobiles, because far more people have been killed or injured by cars than by knives. Plus, cars can be downright mean when they want to be!"
Canadian teen singing sensation, Justin Bieber (shown above in a threatening pose), who was recently outed as being a knife-lover, was visibly shaken when he heard the news at his California home today. Bieber expressed fear that what he perceived to be an "insane" ruling from the Canadian Court would gain traction in the States, where the Obama/Bernanke administration already plans to take away people's guns and home-grown vegetables.
