Saturday, December 5, 2009

Florida - First State to Decriminalize Polygamy

A.G. Cites Tiger Woods Case

Everglades Free Press ©
Story by Reuben J. Clark - posted 05:30 a.m., Dec. 5, 2009

Florida Attorney General, Bill McCollum, announced late Friday that his office will no longer prosecute consenting adult polygamists. He also intends to ask the Florida legislature to pardon all incarcerated polygamists and support a bill formally decriminalizing polygamy in the State. McCollum cited last week's investigation into golfer Tiger Woods' bizarre automobile collision near his house. "Woods is a paragon of personal achievement and an asset to the State of Florida," McCollum said. "Florida has no business prosecuting famous people, even if they have four wives."

This announcement drew some swift criticism from several sides. Kim Leslie, spokesperson for the Florida Gay Lobby wondered aloud why it took McCollum six years to read the Supreme Court's explicit language in Lawrence v. Texas, which decriminalized not only homosexual sex acts, but also heterosexual sex between athletes and their girl-friends. "Perhaps now," Leslie said, "we can move quickly towards legalizing gay and polygamous marriages in our state."

On Wednesday, the Florida Highway Patrol announced in a brief press conference that it had issued a traffic citation to Woods for "reckless driving", but had declined to prosecute him under Florida's reckless copulation statute, since, as the department noted, "Everyone is doing it, and we lack the resources to prosecute and incarcerate half the population of Florida!"

Criticism came in from as far away as Utah. Rozita Jessop, of the Family Eradication Society complained that, while Woods clearly has four long-time partners, including wife, Elin Nordegren-Woods, Jaimee Grubb, Rachel Uchitel and new partner, Kalika Moquin, his polygamy is more acceptable to society than those relationships in Utah where the men feed and clothe the women and children and stay with them for life. "I don't care about the sex," Jessop insisted, "it's the religion in their heads. At least Tiger doesn't believe in Joseph Smith and Mormonism. After all," Jessop explained, "I have slept with many men. Deceit is no problem for me. What I can't stand is the commitment to religion and devotion to family."

McCollum's decision also drew praise from several renowned polygamists. Jesse Jackson invoked the memory of Martin Luther King, who had several women in a day when polygamists faced imprisonment if discovered. Former President, Bill Clinton, pointed out that his White House predecessor, John F. Kennedy, had faced extraordinary challenges keeping Marilyn Monroe secret from Jackie - "JFK was probably assassinated due to his polygamy. Tiger should watch his back. Monica Lewinsky was almost the death of me!"

 Noted California polygamist, Hugh Hefner, chimed it with praise for McCollum and for Tiger Woods.
"I applaud Tiger." Hefner stated. "There was a day (pre-Loving v. Virginia) when he couldn't have married that Scandinavian girl. Now he can have Caucasian ladies like me, and he can afford to rotate them from time-to-time if they start hankering for too much money or attention."

Woods was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the family revealed that Woods has no intention of relocating his family to a remote community in West Texas or Northern Arizona. He wants some quiet time with his ladies to work out their differences and re-examine the family's budget. He thanks the Attorney General for his good sense and hopes that the A.G.s of other states like Texas, Utah and Arizona will also recognize that singling out families for prosecutions based solely on their lifestyle or religion constitutes impermissible targeting.

When contacted earlier today, South Carolina's Governor Mark Sanford praised McCollum's forthright actions and hopes that polygamy will soon be legalized in his state, where noted public officials often have plural partners (not unlike Montana's Democratic Senator, Max Baucus). Sanford admitted that, if he is impeached and removed from the governorship, he and his Argentine partner will move to South Africa and seek to unseat current President, Jacob Zuma, whose three wives are a "national treasure."


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