SHURTLEFF'S WAR

If I hyper-reacted every time somebody on the Internet was wrong about something, - - well, you know. . . .

I can't resist this one, though. Today I read a preview of a new book on the following website. The author is Debra Weyermann. I haven't seen the book yet, so I don't know whether to be glad that somebody finally exposed Shurtleff's blatant, self-serving agenda, or to laugh at the hysterical assertions purportedly made in the book. My two-bit comments are inserted in ALL CAPS and [ . . . . ] brackets.

"The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been notorious for more than a century. [NOT SURE HOW, SINCE IT WAS ONLY FOUNDED IN THE LATE 1980's.] Though its core tenant [IT'S "TENET", MY DEAR] of embracing multiple wives is illegal in every state [NO, IT'S NOT, YOU DIMWIT!], the sect flourished undeterred throughout the American west, Canada and Mexico [WHERE IN MEXICO?!], amassing enormous wealth even as its membership subsisted on tens of millions of welfare dollars [WHAT PROOF DOES SHE HAVE OF THIS?]. The public saw FLDS victims only sporadically when they escaped the sect with terrible stories of incest, rape, young girls battered bloody [NAME TWO BLOODY, BATTERED FLDS GIRLS, YOU IDIOT!!] for refusing to marry old men and even murder. Yet authorities intimidated by FLDS's substantial block[SIC] vote and fearful of becoming the target of religious bigotry accusations refused to act. It seemed FLDS was invincible, until Mark Shurtleff was elected Utah's attorney general in 2000. A Mormon himself, Shurtleff engaged in no hand wringing over the religious rights [NO, HE'S NOT A FAN OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT] of a sect he considered a criminal cult. Using dazzling [I'M NOT DAZZLED] legal maneuvers, audacious persuasion and plain brute force [NO KIDDING !!!], Shurtleff faced down FLDS "blood oath" death threats and the powers of the status quo as he took the group apart piece by piece [I MUST HAVE MISSED THE TAKING APART STUFF]. His victories convinced the authorities in Arizona, Texas, New Mexico [NEW MEXICO !!!???], Colorado, Nevada and even Canada that tackling FLDS did not have to be a pipe dream as they joined Shurtleff's innovative and mostly [YEAH, NOT-COMPLETELY-]legal crusade. Today FLDS's $120 million trust has been seized and liquidated [WHEN WAS IT LIQUIDATED?], its businesses auctioned off, its school districts and police forces dismantled, its property dispersed and its leaders jailed. In SHURTLEFF'S WAR, award-winning journalist and author Debra Weyermann reveals the powerful, unknown [YEP, I KNEW NOTHING BEFORE THIS BOOK!] story of a man who risked everything [EXCEPT HIS POLITICAL CAREER] to do what was right [HOW WAS IT RIGHT ???]. A legal thriller, a detective story and an action-laced gambit, SHURTLEFF'S WAR is also the portrait of a complicated [NOW, THAT'S A EUPHEMISM !!!] man who defied [DEFIED !!!! - YOU MEAN "OBEYED"] his own church and state government to put an end to a sect (WHERE DID IT END ???] that has dotted American history with murder [WHO MURDERED WHOM IN SHORT CREEK?] and scandal for 100 years."

I think Debra Weyermann's middle name must be Krakauer.

Finally, I am including this LINK to a video made by Mark Shurtleff, where he makes an impassioned plea for the release of Warren Jeffs, arguing that Warren is just as much a man, just as worthy of full citizenship as he, Shurtleff is. He urges the disadvantaged to come together and use "the system" to fight for justice. Maybe you'll see the irony, too.

I wish that when I get to the pearly gates I could bring with me a book detailing my war on the Saints and on the everlasting doctrines restored by Joseph Smith . . . . .

Unholy Alliance

The Salt Lake Tribune published an article today, reporting that Warren Jeffs is fighting extradition to Texas. If I were Warren Jeffs, I would fight extradition too - not only because Utah should "poop or get off the pot" (see my previous post about the Supreme Hypocrisy), but also because the "conspiracy" mentioned in the Tribune article is very real.

Utah's and Texas's governors are not my favorite people. All that notwithstanding, my dim opinion of them is not as relevant as the facts. I shall not post the entire text of Jeffs' extradition order here - I'll leave that to my illustrious fellow bloggers. What you will see in the excerpt I shall quote below, however, is that the extradition agreement is unconstitutional, fraudulent and conspiratorial.

Many have claimed that Jeffs' efforts to avoid extradition are futile. Let's examine that. What are the three circumstances which can successfully block extradition?

1. You are not the same person as the person named in the extradition order (Warren won't win that argument).
2. What you are accused of is not a crime in the State which is trying to extradite you (no luck there, either).
3. There is a constitutional flaw in the the extradition papers . . . . . . HMMM!

Let's look at number 3. In Warren's extradition papers, the two governors strike up an agreement that, in exchange for Utah surrendering Jeffs to Texas, Texas agrees to guarantee that he absolutely be denied bail. Here is the exact wording -

"It is further hereby agreed that, upon surrender of Warren Steed Jeffs to the duly authorized agents of the state of Texas, Warren Steed Jeffs shall be held in the Custody of the state of Texas at all times, and shall not be eligible for release on bail or bond.

In witness whereof, the undersigned governor of the state of Texas and governor of the state of Utah do hereby covenant and agree that the above expressed conditions upon which the custody of Warren Steed Jeffs is granted shall be in all respects fuliflled and complied with and are expressly accepted as the terms and conditions of his custody (p.3 of EXHIBIT A)"

WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTFWTT?

Let's see - who grants or denies bail? ANSWER - BARBAROUS WART-THUG (she is in the JUDICIAL BRANCH).

What branch of government is Gov. Perry in? ANSWER - the EXECUTIVE BRANCH.

So, pray tell me, how does a member of the executive branch arrange to foreclose all possibility of Warren's being granted bail? Does he have to bribe Barbie (or worse - share unholy intimacies with her)? Perish the thought!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - when these double-dealing government officials conspire to do secret works of darkness, it inevitably comes back to bite them. It's almost as if they can do evil things OR have an I.Q., but they cannot accomplish both at the same time.

I am ashamed of the two gov's for presuming to uphold a high office of government while stooping to such despicable depths to curry the favor of deceivers. Jeffs is currently innocent in all jurisdictions. I find Herbert and Perry guilty of conspiracy and treachery at least. Let's hope Snotlick wasn't involved, too . . . .

Monkeys On The Beach

A few years ago, a friend shared with me a parable that stuck firmly in my brain. I think it has changed and assumed new meaning, but anyway here it is as best I can regurgitate it:
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Long, long ago, on a far-away island in the balmy Pacific Ocean, there lived a troop of monkeys. They played happily in the sun and often ventured into the surf. Their diet consisted primarily of yams. Boring, yes, but that was the produce afforded by their island habitat.

One drawback of living in this sandy environment was that the monkeys' food would get sand in it. Yuck !!!

As the years rolled blissfully on, there occurred one day a rather pivotal event. One of the younger monkeys happened to carry one of his yams with him into the waves as he went for his morning swim. As he walked back onto the beach, he started to eat his yam. Lo and behold - this yam was not gritty and crunchy. He had never experienced the taste of a sand-free yam. What a delight! He had eaten only gritty yams since infancy, just like his parents and siblings. Not being able to communicate this discovery to his fellow monkeys, he resolved nevertheless to attempt this experiment again the next day.

At sunrise the next day, he took two yams with him into the ocean waves. He shook and rinsed them vigorously in the clear, salty water. Then, holding them high above his head, he ran back to his family and sat down to eat them. Before he could take the first bite, his little brother snatched one of the yams away and hurriedly ate it. So surprised was the little one by this marvelous taste improvement, he became determined to follow his brother around to discover the provenance of this much improved foodstuff.

The next morning, the little monkey watched his brother rinsing his yams in the ocean. The secret was out. Before long, the entire troop of monkeys learned to rinse the yams before eating them, and, never again did they have to endure gritty food.

More years went by and, one day, the younger monkey decided to venture farther away from his familiar beach than he had ever dared to before. As he wandered along the shoreline and southward towards the sun, he feared that he might not be able to make it back to his family, yet his curiosity got the better of him, so onward he scampered. As the sun began to set, he noticed something moving in the distance. Undaunted, he approached the location of the movements.

Unbelievable! Though he could not believe his eyes, he had to accept what he was seeing. Here was another troop of monkeys - monkeys he never knew existed. They were so far from his beach. Did his family know of their existence? Had any of the monkeys ever known of each other's existence before? Was he the first to discover this population of possible kinfolk?

Not wanting to create a disturbance, he lay low and hid himself behind a huge palm tree, observing quietly. As he watched in the waning sunlight, he noticed several of the monkeys methodically rinsing yams in the shallow ocean water. How could it be? How did they discover this wisdom - this revelation? How on earth did they learn that it was better to eat their yams without sand?  At once jealous and proud, he scratched his furry head and wrestled with this anguishing question:

Had his older brother traveled here before him and taught this remote monkey-troop the art of yam-rinsing?

- - - - OR

Had this heretofore-undiscovered monkey-troop stumbled on this priceless gem of wisdom all on its own?

As he turned to hasten back to the anxiously-awaiting arms of his own family, he realized the answer to his question. It dawned on him that it did not matter how it came to be that the two monkey populations embraced this timeless dietary wisdom. It was not important that someone get the credit for this momentous discovery or for the dissemination of this vital knowledge. It mattered only that they had it and that both populations were forever blessed by it.

How Can He Fix It?

Here is a comment in Friday's NATIONAL ENQUIRER (forgive the TERRIBLE grammar) - -

"The Brown family is following the teachings of fundamentalist Mormonism, which is drawing heat from the Mormon Church, which disavowed the practice of polygamy in 120 years ago. The practice is also illegal in Utah, which has caused investigators there to looking into possible filing charges of felony bigamy against Brown. If that were to happen and he was found guilty, he could spend five years in prison. "

This got me to thinking about the whole rehabilitation process. Kody would spend five years in the Utah State Prison. His wives would visit him each week. They would write him letters, and TLC would film the wives and kids in his absence. Maybe the prison would let the cameramen film Kody in his striped jumpsuit. After the five (or 3.5 for good behavior) years were up, it would be time for Kody to return home to his loving family, fully rehabilitated.

I think I need your help as I try to figure out what happens next. I mean, the wives are loyal - I don't think they'd bolt that quickly. Only one of Tom Green's wives left. Perhaps Prosecutor Buhman (and maybe Davey Lefttit) would set up some kind of re-insertion program. Three of the wives would have to move to different states, and Kody would have to choose which one he wants to designate as the sole monogamous partner. Lehi police would have to put surveillance cameras in all the rooms of the house, in order to make sure that Kody has sex with only one person in a given year. God knows how we would split up all those cute kids.

Failing this, they would have to re-arrest Kody after two or three days, have a whole new trial, and put him away for another five years. This cycle would have to be repeated twice every decade until Kody dies, and he is no longer guilty of being a polygamist in his heart.

Another alternative would be to have Kody enroll in Boyd K. Packer's sexual de-programming/brainwashing course. This would make Kody be unable to fall in love with, or be attracted to, anyone but just one of the four ladies. After all, sexual attraction is inculcated by one's religion and upbringing. Polygamist churches raise children to love polygamously. Homosexual churches raise children to be homosexuals. This is why right-thinking governments must outlaw all but monogamous churches (and seize the property of all the others).

So how can Kody fix this terrible mess? Well, let's conduct a reader poll. Please cast your vote now as to which wife he should keep and which three he should dump.

A. Meri
B. Janelle
C. Christine
D. Robyn
E. All of the above
F. None of the above

If I can be serious (for about four seconds), it appears to me that the term of the prison sentence for religious polyga-bigamy must either be -

1. Life without parole (since rehabilitation never works) or -
2. No prison sentence at all.

This "five-year" concept is as chicken-s**t and disingenuous as the illustrious Church lawyers who codified it in the first place.

PROVE ME WRONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Illegal In "All Fifty States"?

Famous actor, Ashton Kutcher (whose is married to Demi Moore - 15 years his senior), appears to be preparing to test California's bigamy statutes. Kutcher's alleged mistress, 22-year old Brittney Jones has revealed information regarding her dalliances with Kutcher and claimed that he and Moore have an "open marriage" = read "plural marriage" or "polygamy". Jones even intimated that the threesome has gone much further than the conduct of "traditional polygamists" in that they have engaged in group sex together (which conduct is only protected by the Supreme Court's 2003 decision in Lawrence v. Texas).

Still being under the illusion that this kind of bigamous conduct is "illegal in all fifty states", Utah County prosecutor, Jeff Buhman, is "mulling over" whether to press charges against Kutcher, Moore and Jones for felony bigamy. However, his office is still researching whether the LDS Church has power over the California legal system since its humiliating Proposition 8 experience.

Buhman fears that Kutcher may show up on his doorstep with a film crew, only to pounce on him and declare that he has been "Punk'd".

How difficult could it be?

I have watched the news reports with interest over the last few days. Some online articles get updated, so the wording can change. My first glimpse at a statement from Utah County prosecutor, Jeff Buhman, had him saying that, now that he has the completed investigation evidence from Lehi police regarding the Brown family's bigamy crime, it could take "several months" to reach a decision on whether to prosecute.

Later statements seem to have been changed or softened. Now he is saying that his office is "mulling over" the matter and is, in fact, fascinated that in the last "10 to 15" years there haven't been (to his knowledge) any prosecutions of consenting adult religious bigamists. How could he forget the prosecution of Mark Easterday (1999) of Monroe, Utah, for bigamy? Mark was allowed to plead the charge down to adultery and pay a $500.00 fine. Later research into the court documents shows no mention of the original bigamy charge. Hmmmmm !!! ???

Anyway, while the Brown family sits huddled around its fireside, sweating bullets over whether the SturmTruppen will be at its door at any minute with five sets of handcuffs, Jeff Buhman sits in his office for months on end, wringing his hands and feet, wrestling mightily over whether to charge this dastardly, evil family with felony marriage crimes.

I ask myself - "How difficult could it be to simply pick up the phone and call the First Presidency and ask them if they want Kody incarcerated?" This controversy could be put to bed in minutes, and we could all go back to our daily lives in peace and brotherly love.

Whistleblowers

Yeah, I know, I'm posting a lot. If it's getting to be too much, just read every other post. Somebody should write a book - I mean a book about LDS resentment of polygamists. It's a 1,000-pound gorilla. Snarklips mouthed off in a tweet the other day about his preference for his mainstream monogamist homies in the Lehi P.D. Loosely translated - he is saying that he hates polygamists and that he only esteems his fellow Corporate Mormons. It's thinly veiled. Plygs are anathema. Why?

I don't think it is because guys don't want extra babes - they do! I once worked in a company where almost all the guys were "mainstream" LDS. Most violated the Word of Wisdom habitually, and most spent hours whining about how badly they wanted to get with this woman or that woman. Their wives probably didn't know. The fidelity to monogamy was feigned. Yes, I think that most men wouldn't want four permanent wives, if only because of all that dedication and responsibility. Guys are lazy. Many want extra chicks, but they only want them for a few days. That's the difference between decent polygamists and lascivious philanderers. One has integrity, the other doesn't.

Perhaps some men resent the polygamy discussion because they need to keep up the pretense to their wives that they think "only about you, dear". Maybe some shudder at the topic because they belong to a church which has drummed into their heads for a century that they can only have those extra women in the hereafter (no comparison with Muslims). Perhaps they are quietly jealous.

Even sadder is the pervasive indoctrination of young LDS women - the insistence that 19th century plural marriage was an anomaly, an aberration; and that 21st century polygamy is disgusting and filthy. When those sweet, deeply-brainwashed sisters get to the other side and learn that plural marriage always has been a requirement for exaltation, will they mutiny entirely from the everlasting gospel and covenant?

Face it folks, the Church looks on polygamy like Superman views green Kryptonite. I want to advance the premise that it is because we are "whistleblowers". When a whistleblower leaks information about a company which dumps toxic ooze into the environment, the company harbors deep hatred for the whistleblower. Maybe longtime employees share the corporate rage, because their well-being is also threatened by the disclosure of uncomfortable truths.

Tens of thousands of missionaries span the globe propagating the Restored Gospel. When inquisitive investigators inquire about polygamy, the canned answer bubbles out - "The Lord gave a revelation to President Wilford Woodruff to terminate the practice." So, we are whistleblowers because the Church knows that this canned response is a lie, and that we adamantly and openly stand by our conviction that, since 1889, no president of the Church has received and written down a verbatim revelation from God.

Annual temple-recommend interviews petulantly admonish every member to steer a thousand miles away from apostates (read - "Fundamentalists"). Why? because we know the real truth - The Church lied - and not only about Woodruff and his "Manifesto" (Woodruff took another wife six years after the Manifesto). The Church had the identity of God plainly trumpeted from the Tabernacle pulpit and memorialized in its hymns. In 1902, in the face of intense public pressure, the identity of the God of the Old Testament was conveniently switched from Michael to Jesus (one is reminded of the Catholic Church's rescission of "Limbo").

So that's my take. When you have whistleblowers who can reveal your deceits, you have to go to any lengths to demonize, marginalize, vilify and discredit them. I could accept that I might be off-track, but take a look at where the hatred centers. If you took a poll asking whether polygamists "should be imprisoned and have their children confiscated", the percentage of 'yes' responses would be greater in Utah than in any other state or country. The consummate irony (as one sage soul observed) is that, were Abraham or Jacob or Joseph or Brigham to surface in our Mormon midst today, they would be excommunicated and incarcerated (not to mention Jesus Himself).

I invoke once again "The Emperor's New Clothes". Could thirteen million possibly be wrong?